A friend of mine died this week. He was in his early thirties, just married with baby on the way. A little over a year ago (Maybe even 2) he was diagnosed with a rare case of kidney cancer. We had talked about kidney transplants since he was learning all he could about his new diagnosis. To me his death was sudden he spent most of his time with family. I remember seeing him on the set of a commercial last year. He looked really good flashing those pearly whites of his. The older I get the closer death creeps into my world. When I have a friend die I get really nervous and paranoid for a while.
The day after my friend died I woke up in the morning to my son who could barely talk, due to some virus in his throat. It freaked me out to the ends of the earth and back. He has 5 auditions for college theatre departments from Sunday to Tuesday, and guess what? Months before we scheduled these auditions a friend of mine invited me to celebrate her 5th annual 30th birthday party. Jordan will be in good hands with my roommate and sister for his first two auditions if he needs someone, but I am still not there. My head is spinning. My son is sick and I just found out my friends funeral is on Saturday when I am supposed to be on a cruise I say supposed to because I’m now contemplating not going. My son is sick what if it’s life threatening, what if he has a reaction to the medications, what if my ship wrecks , it’s supposed to rain, we will be in the middle of a storm, what am I supposed to do. Fear truly overwhelms me. I am trippen’. The girl who usually has it all together has lost her mind. Maybe that is just it. Situations beyond my control were causing me to panic. I’m a recovering control freak and I am having a relapse.
I make it to work by 2:30, because JD is still a minor and I have to go with him to his appointments. I know, it's crazy considering I was out two days last week because of my ordeal. As the day progressed things got better. My doubts about the trip began to dissipate, because I am now breathing and my day is getting better. My co-worker checks on me towards the end of the day and says her mom used to say. “Just sit still and listen and Jesus will tell you what to do.”
Life is really not mine to control, navigate maybe, but not control. Like a captain of a ship or plane, they navigate through the air or water, but they cannot control the air pockets of gusty winds. Imagine if an airline pilot freaked out every time there was a little rain? It’s just raining a little. Put on a rain coat and navigate around the storm.
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