Looking my future in the face.

It feels as though I am on the outside looking in. For years my thoughts have been overwhelmed with the future. For the first time ever I feel as though I am meeting my future; right here- right now I feel as though I am looking my future square in the face. It is such a challenge to describe because it is no longer the future it is the present. For the life of me I cannot focus on anything but the here and now. My mind tries to make plans, but is stopped in its tracks to take in these moments. These very moments people often wish they could get back, I am cherishing with every fiber of my being. In just a few short weeks JD is off to college. Many people ask me How am I feeling or am I going to cry? All I can think about it what I feel this very moment...Utter Joy.... Presence is priceless.

Jordan's Party Pics

Remodeling the nest - T-minus 54 days

I used to watch birds fly outside my window with grass and twigs in their beaks. I true sign of nesting. They were ready to hatch those eggs and make a nice cozy home for their little offspring.

I am watching my friends and co-workers go through the same thing. They are dating, getting married, getting pregnant..nesting. Interestingly enough I feel like I'm nesting, but I am clearly doing the opposite. We have t-minus 54 days until JD leaves the nest. I think I'm cool. Every book and anyone who I talk to is under the impression I'm not supposed to be okay. Very interesting. Everyone looks at me weird or like they are sad for me. That look really isn't cute. I am so excited, for both of us. Not to say I may not have a breakdown or two,but I'm excited.

I am learning to let go, to let him make decisions on his own, to not nag too much.

Last week I flew to Kansas City at the last minute because Jordan and Sam had made it to the finals. Most of my facebook family knows that I was in 4 states in 24 hours, JD and Sam are 4th in the nation in Duo, (they are 20 minutes in) and I couldn't be more proud. Also in the midst of this crazy whirlwind we missed his episode of Pretty Little Liars. You can catch him in minute 28. :)

One thing for sure it seems like I am trying to fit EVERYTHING in before he leaves. These next 54 days are going to fly by. We drive up the coast to San Jose on the 4th of July because that is the only weekend in the next 8 weekends we can make it so my parents can give him a going away party. So I figured we would drive up the coast.

Then two weeks later we have our family reunion in Las Vegas. Then we are going to Costa Rica. Two weeks after that we are off to Pittsburgh.

Unbelievable

Taking in every moment.

A roller coaster ride of a weekend.

As the time approaches us quickly for moments to absorb they pass us too fast like a thief in the night or better yet a freight train without breaks . For months graduation was quickly apporaching, at times it seemed as though it couldn't get here fast enough.

This weekend the train left the staion full speed ahead. In the midst of the planning and being slightly overwhelmed I almost let it zip by, but instead I grabbed on to that train and held on tight with my eyes wide open.

This weekend I was a nervous wreck. I couldnt think straight. I was forgetting things. My emotions are flying inside me like the biggest and fastest roller coaster at six flags. You know the one you anticipate riding and then almost change your mind when you are waiting in line? But you tough it out and hop on only to be whipped around up and down back and forth all while lauging and screaming at the top of your lungs. Well , I think that is where I am. Excitement beats out the fear, laughter holds back the tears and when it comes to a hault you are so exhilerated you are sad it is over. You get of that ride searching for the next.

Well the ride is over. The graduation came and went. However we did not leave the theme park yet...NEXT!!

A surprise that made me cry tears of joy and relief....

Nearly two years ago my son had a photo displayed at the Museum of Tolerance here in Los Angeles. When the exhibit was over they displayed it in his school. Just last year he had one displayed at the Japanese Museum downtown. The center of the picture was the most beautiful cherry blossom tree. We framed that one and gave it to my parents for Christmas. It is absolutely beautiful. He's an amazing artist.

Well today I come home and his very first photo is there with a belated Mothers Day card. It said "Happy Mothers Day" (on the out side) "from someone who thinks your doing an amazing job" (on the inside). I was choked up just reading that. I'm thinking great he noticed. Then I proceeded to read the long sentimental dissertation inside. It was as if I was outside of my body witnessing every lesson I instilled in him unfold through the words right in front of my eyes. In his own words he expressed the answers to my greatest questions "Did anything I do or say sink in and what does my kid think of me?"

And I sobbed tears of joy and relief. I will forever remember this moment. I'm sure he will too. The day his mother cried all over his shirt.

I am so proud. Parents nothing we do for our kids is in vain.

Nostalgic Moments

So much is spinning and swirling inside of my mind. Not sure if there is anyone out there who may understand when you have several emotions that make up one emotion that you can't necessarily pinpoint the exact emotion. That's were I am. Jordan has nine more days left of school. That's great. Graduation is two weekends away. He turns eighteen next Saturday. I remember when I turned 18 and it just seemed like I instantly became an adult. Does anyone have any advice on how to be a parent to an 18 year old. :) Even though I have been lost in my thoughts I am still trying to take in the moments.

Yesterday we were up until 2:30 watching aVeronica Mars marathon. I know that show is random, but we were taking in the moment. Dang that show was good. I never even thought twice about it when it was on. We laughed together. About 3 episodes in I heard myself and realized I had been asking him a question about the show every 5 mins. It was funny. Surprisingly he wasn't telling me to stop talking like usual.

Last weekend I came home from doing his graduation invitations and I was talking to him and he said "stop being nostalgic." The interesting thing about that statement was that I wasn't talking about anything in particular he said it was the way I was looking at him. I just laughed and tried to play it off like I wasn't. Let's just say the kid was reading the subtext. So crazy every time I would coach him before an audition I would say "what are your thoughts behind the words." He was definitely in my thoughts behind my words.

Jordan has been petitioned by an advisor at school to exhibit a piece of art work. I know what doen't this kid do. Well, Saturday I come out of the room to a very nostalgic moment and I recorded it.

IT"S BEEN THREE WEEKS SINCE MY LAST CONFESSION...

I went and saw one of my best friends tonight (and her daughter) who I hadn't seen (valley girl voice) "in like forever." It was so refreshing. While at dinner she said "I haven't read you blog lately" I said "Girlllll, its because I havent posted anything." (or something like that, hee, hee). Here's to you Jill:

Its has been so long. I don't know where to start. How about where we left off. College apps?

Well the last 3 weeks have been insane. It found myself being anxious about JD's decision, who would offer him what, who would accept him, where would he decide to go, will he be happy about his decision, how much is it going to cost me, I need to plan his graduation, oh, we need to prepare for prom, how much work will I miss over these next three months? ...

oh yeah I was supposed to be writing about college apps. Let's see JD got accepted into... this is a total recap if you've been following: Rutgers, FSU, Howard University, DePaul (partial scholarship) Boston University (more than partial scholarship), Tufts (more than partial)NYU(zip, zilch, nada - ok 6K but pennies compared to the rest), Notre Dame (gave him acceptance and a full ride on his trip out there..uber exciting), and Carnegie Mellon.

Once we got the full-ride to Notre Dame "we got into bidding wars with the rest" - well not really I've always just wanted to have a reason to say that. Well we did call NYU to appeal the award and ask for more dough. It didn't work out the way I planned... they did give us a thousand more dollars though :) JD was crushed. It was really disappointing considering NYU was his first choice. He fell in love with New York last summer on our visit.

Plan B: okay people it's always good to have a plan B... He had an acceptance and a full ride to a school that was in the middle of nowhere, whose theatre program is virtually none existent. Worst case scenario my child is going to Notre Dame(ND). I know that sounds crazy, "worst case scenario." Anyway we had to take a step and evaluate the situation. Back in January he additioned for 5 theatre schools and was accepted into all of them. Out of all the schools we believed Carnegie Mellon to be the best and at the time they were giving him a pretty hefty scholarship,but not quite what we needed. We faxed the school NDs offer and in less than 24 hours they matched it. So the Verdict is CARNEGIE MELLON HE GOES.

Me on the other hand, hum....: I got kind of sentimental when I faxed his decision and the deposit in. Nothing major. I didn't cry. I just thought. Wow, this is official. "What am I going to do with my life?" That seems to be my mantra lately. So far I know... I'm going to finish school, which still excites me. A year and eight months ago I decided to put acting on hold so I could focus on Jordan and get a job that would finance his senior year. The 2 year anniversay is 4 months away. Kidn of scary. I ask myself what does this mean. Getting a paycheck every week has been such a blessing,but in my mind. There has to be more... 4 days ago I decided to start and adventure. I'm calling it a reshaping adventure "Natasha's Reshaping Revolution" I am reshaping my mind, my health and my finances. Best case scenario I will earning six figures by the end of the year, be able to quit my job, travel the world, see my kid without having to save up for months. Worst case scenario I will be able to supplement my income and make a few extra thousand dollars a month. Either way we slice it I think this may help me with my question: "What am I going to do with my life?"

I realized for the last 18 years I have been helping someone realize their goals and dreams, and no matter how hard the struggle of single motherhood has been the results are rewarding. Thats what I am going to do with my life, continue helping people realize their goals and dreams. Its fun. You ought to try it sometime.

Natasha Reshaping Revolution

add my new facebook fan page: Natasha's Reshapign Revolution

**dislosure: please over look typos and silly talk. Its 2 in the morning. I'm just too excited to sleep.

More letters from colleges

Tonight my sister and kidney twin came over and my roommate was home. Checkout the video of Jordan opening his letters from De Paul University in Chicago and Howard University in D.C.



(My brother brought this to my attention, in his words: "If you're at work, stay close to your volume. Hint: there's ALOT of screaming")

This weekend will be interesting. JD is off to Notre Dame. I'm so excited for him. It will be a good chance for me to imagine what it's like when he's off to college. Not like I haven't done that before. Last summer he went to Colorado for 10 days. That was an experience for both of us. When he was younger he used to go to my parents for the entire summer, spring break and Christmas break. The only difference was that he was coming home. I think maybe one of my fears is that he will go away and not want to come home. I know that's silly. Or is it? It will be what it will be. God has blessed me with the honor of raising an amazing young man. I remember when he was younger I asked him "Do you belong to me?" and he said "No God's just letting you babysit." Well my babysitting duties are coming to an end. It's not like I'm being fired. I will be changing positions; More like guidance counselor, friend, and I will always be mom or "mother".