Don't Miss the Road While on the Ride.

I waited so long before this post because I thought I was waiting for some epiphany or something so profound to pop in my mind that I would be compelled to check in with my blog. Obviously that didn't happen. The something profound part happened. Actually several profound moments have happened since I last wrote, but the "being" compelled part; didn't quite catch up with me.

I will tackle this backwards since most of you know Jordan is gone. Out of sight, but by far not out of mind. It actually took a week for my mind to catch up with itself, and honestly I don't think it is quite there yet. The last several months have been a whirlwind of bliss.

Immediately following Jordan's San Jose going away party we went to Costa Rica. Just the two of us. It was nice. We took in the country with the perfect amount of adventure and relaxation. From zip lining through the rain forest to swimming along a tree lined coast. There was even a day we went to sleep about 7pm only to stay up flipping between movies with and without subtitles. I was so determined to get him out of the country before he started to college and after careful consideration we landed in Costa Rica, the "Rich Coast". We learned about living fences, rice is a major crop, Hyundai is the most popular car, and in one day you can watch the sunrise on one coast and the sunset on the other. We stayed in an amazing hotel that made us feel as though we were palace heirs. I swear it seemed we were the only guests. We had a blast.

I really mastered being present over these last couple of months, determined to take in every moment with Jordan. For so long when he was younger my mind would take a ride of its own and miss the road in front of it. My dad and I talked about this the other day. You know when you can drive all the way home and have no idea how you got there. You can't recall the road that was in front of you. Most of the time this can happens when on a cell phone (with headset of of course- for my California folks). My main objective was to not miss the road in front of me. The pace of Costa Rica helped usher me into achievement.

When we got home it was only 3 weeks until D-Day. It seems as though it took forever for my child to pack. I tried to play the perfect balance of guiding and letting him make his own decisions. It only drove me partially crazy.

The weekend I dropped him of at school was very surreal. We drove around the campus just exploring. We were both dog tired from the red eye. I usually fall asleep immediately on flights, but not this time. I think I may have been too excited. We had breakfast at Pamela's then made it back to the hotel and crashed for 4 hours, only to get up and go eat at Primanti Bros. for dinner. I was stuffed. The next day, since we bought NOTHING at home, we shopped shopped and shopped some more for all the nick knacks and do dads you need for your college dorm. We spent hours. It was so much fun and thank God Target and Bed Bath and Beyond were within a block of each other, especially when he...OK we decided the trash can at BB&B was better then the one from target and it was half the cost. That was so funny. One of the major highlights of the day was dinner. He met up with a few friends he met on Facebook and then along came parents. Joe Mama's was the perfect place for dinner and it was probably a good thing they put us in the basement. The kids we louder then loud. I guess that happens when you get a bunch of actors together. They were on one side of a long table getting acquainted in the most animated way as the parents had therapy over pasta and pizza at the other end. It was such a great experience. Around 9:30 the kids left to explore the campus while the parents stayed and talked speculating what tomorrow will be like. We kept saying we had to leave. We inched our way to the main floor, we stood there talking , finally we inched our way outside and continued our conversations. We were so happy to find others who were experiencing exactly the same thing at the same time. Almost like a security blanket of new friends. Jordan met me back at the hotel and we got in the car to go pick up my dad. I had reinforcements flying in.

The big day. I woke up with butterflies in my stomach not knowing what to expect. I kept wondering when the bomb would drop and tears would come flooding out of my face. I swallowed the lump in my throat. We took our time getting dressed and skipped breakfast because we started a little behind schedule. It was as if every movement was in slow motion. We drove 2 min to the campus and followed the signs that ushered the many cars into the appropriate line that led to the appropriate dorm. I student in a red shirt pointed us in the direction where we were to park. "Stop at the balloons" along the curb in front of the dorm while we unloaded the car the student helpers took the items faster than we could put them down. Jordan walked across the way to grab his id/room key I followed him and my dad stayed with the car. It all happened so fast. The next thing I know I was standing at the car, no Jordan, no bags, no boxes and my reinforcement had been whisked away to help load the dorm room. I barely heard the man give me directions to the parking lot.

As I drove to the lot and made my way back to the dorm I was alone and it was quite. "This is it" I thought to myself. Wow! By the time I got back to the dorm they were heading out. Jordan took me in for a quick look through, because we had to go the the student union for orientation packets, the boxes we had shipped and maybe food. My brain raced one hundred miles an hour. Does he have enough stuff? Did we remember this, did we remember that? Did I put enough money in his spending account? At this point my father begins to tell me I need to eat. I think he saw me swaying like I had vertigo. He was my voice of reason for the day. Making sure I kept my head on straight. Every where we went someone was saying "Are you Jordan?" Facebook, boy! The Theatre school orientation calmed my mind. He is going to be well taken care of.

We made another Target/BB&B run and stopped for dinner, before the drop. I can't even remember the place we ate, but it was good and we had a great dinner. The three of us reflected about the day and expressed our excitement about the future. I went to the restroom and just stood there looking at myself in the mirror. "This is it, wow" I just took a moment to take it all in. It also gave my dad some time to have a man to man talk.

Its about 6:30. The campus has calmed down from earlier the balloons are beginning to deflate and the street is quiet. I only see two families saying their good-byes. The mothers' faces are red and tears are streaming. I step out and have my dad snap a photo or two. He then steps back and sits in the car. Jordan and I stand there looking at each other, smiling. "This is it". I hug him a couple more times, just to take in the moment. And before I can give him my speech I rehearsed multiple times in my head he speaks. "Mother I challenge you to find yourself without me. This is a time when the lives of parents and kids are parallel. We each are setting out to find ourselves. This is good." All I good say is "You are absolutely right, I will. I want you to know I love you. No matter what mistakes you make, because you will make some. And you know how much I love you, but God loves you tenfold, beyond what you can ever imagine... Okay" dad says his good bye and Jordan asks a man to take a photo of us in front of his door with none other then his Polaroid camera. And that WAS it.

Looking my future in the face.

It feels as though I am on the outside looking in. For years my thoughts have been overwhelmed with the future. For the first time ever I feel as though I am meeting my future; right here- right now I feel as though I am looking my future square in the face. It is such a challenge to describe because it is no longer the future it is the present. For the life of me I cannot focus on anything but the here and now. My mind tries to make plans, but is stopped in its tracks to take in these moments. These very moments people often wish they could get back, I am cherishing with every fiber of my being. In just a few short weeks JD is off to college. Many people ask me How am I feeling or am I going to cry? All I can think about it what I feel this very moment...Utter Joy.... Presence is priceless.

Jordan's Party Pics

Remodeling the nest - T-minus 54 days

I used to watch birds fly outside my window with grass and twigs in their beaks. I true sign of nesting. They were ready to hatch those eggs and make a nice cozy home for their little offspring.

I am watching my friends and co-workers go through the same thing. They are dating, getting married, getting pregnant..nesting. Interestingly enough I feel like I'm nesting, but I am clearly doing the opposite. We have t-minus 54 days until JD leaves the nest. I think I'm cool. Every book and anyone who I talk to is under the impression I'm not supposed to be okay. Very interesting. Everyone looks at me weird or like they are sad for me. That look really isn't cute. I am so excited, for both of us. Not to say I may not have a breakdown or two,but I'm excited.

I am learning to let go, to let him make decisions on his own, to not nag too much.

Last week I flew to Kansas City at the last minute because Jordan and Sam had made it to the finals. Most of my facebook family knows that I was in 4 states in 24 hours, JD and Sam are 4th in the nation in Duo, (they are 20 minutes in) and I couldn't be more proud. Also in the midst of this crazy whirlwind we missed his episode of Pretty Little Liars. You can catch him in minute 28. :)

One thing for sure it seems like I am trying to fit EVERYTHING in before he leaves. These next 54 days are going to fly by. We drive up the coast to San Jose on the 4th of July because that is the only weekend in the next 8 weekends we can make it so my parents can give him a going away party. So I figured we would drive up the coast.

Then two weeks later we have our family reunion in Las Vegas. Then we are going to Costa Rica. Two weeks after that we are off to Pittsburgh.

Unbelievable

Taking in every moment.

A roller coaster ride of a weekend.

As the time approaches us quickly for moments to absorb they pass us too fast like a thief in the night or better yet a freight train without breaks . For months graduation was quickly apporaching, at times it seemed as though it couldn't get here fast enough.

This weekend the train left the staion full speed ahead. In the midst of the planning and being slightly overwhelmed I almost let it zip by, but instead I grabbed on to that train and held on tight with my eyes wide open.

This weekend I was a nervous wreck. I couldnt think straight. I was forgetting things. My emotions are flying inside me like the biggest and fastest roller coaster at six flags. You know the one you anticipate riding and then almost change your mind when you are waiting in line? But you tough it out and hop on only to be whipped around up and down back and forth all while lauging and screaming at the top of your lungs. Well , I think that is where I am. Excitement beats out the fear, laughter holds back the tears and when it comes to a hault you are so exhilerated you are sad it is over. You get of that ride searching for the next.

Well the ride is over. The graduation came and went. However we did not leave the theme park yet...NEXT!!

A surprise that made me cry tears of joy and relief....

Nearly two years ago my son had a photo displayed at the Museum of Tolerance here in Los Angeles. When the exhibit was over they displayed it in his school. Just last year he had one displayed at the Japanese Museum downtown. The center of the picture was the most beautiful cherry blossom tree. We framed that one and gave it to my parents for Christmas. It is absolutely beautiful. He's an amazing artist.

Well today I come home and his very first photo is there with a belated Mothers Day card. It said "Happy Mothers Day" (on the out side) "from someone who thinks your doing an amazing job" (on the inside). I was choked up just reading that. I'm thinking great he noticed. Then I proceeded to read the long sentimental dissertation inside. It was as if I was outside of my body witnessing every lesson I instilled in him unfold through the words right in front of my eyes. In his own words he expressed the answers to my greatest questions "Did anything I do or say sink in and what does my kid think of me?"

And I sobbed tears of joy and relief. I will forever remember this moment. I'm sure he will too. The day his mother cried all over his shirt.

I am so proud. Parents nothing we do for our kids is in vain.

Nostalgic Moments

So much is spinning and swirling inside of my mind. Not sure if there is anyone out there who may understand when you have several emotions that make up one emotion that you can't necessarily pinpoint the exact emotion. That's were I am. Jordan has nine more days left of school. That's great. Graduation is two weekends away. He turns eighteen next Saturday. I remember when I turned 18 and it just seemed like I instantly became an adult. Does anyone have any advice on how to be a parent to an 18 year old. :) Even though I have been lost in my thoughts I am still trying to take in the moments.

Yesterday we were up until 2:30 watching aVeronica Mars marathon. I know that show is random, but we were taking in the moment. Dang that show was good. I never even thought twice about it when it was on. We laughed together. About 3 episodes in I heard myself and realized I had been asking him a question about the show every 5 mins. It was funny. Surprisingly he wasn't telling me to stop talking like usual.

Last weekend I came home from doing his graduation invitations and I was talking to him and he said "stop being nostalgic." The interesting thing about that statement was that I wasn't talking about anything in particular he said it was the way I was looking at him. I just laughed and tried to play it off like I wasn't. Let's just say the kid was reading the subtext. So crazy every time I would coach him before an audition I would say "what are your thoughts behind the words." He was definitely in my thoughts behind my words.

Jordan has been petitioned by an advisor at school to exhibit a piece of art work. I know what doen't this kid do. Well, Saturday I come out of the room to a very nostalgic moment and I recorded it.

IT"S BEEN THREE WEEKS SINCE MY LAST CONFESSION...

I went and saw one of my best friends tonight (and her daughter) who I hadn't seen (valley girl voice) "in like forever." It was so refreshing. While at dinner she said "I haven't read you blog lately" I said "Girlllll, its because I havent posted anything." (or something like that, hee, hee). Here's to you Jill:

Its has been so long. I don't know where to start. How about where we left off. College apps?

Well the last 3 weeks have been insane. It found myself being anxious about JD's decision, who would offer him what, who would accept him, where would he decide to go, will he be happy about his decision, how much is it going to cost me, I need to plan his graduation, oh, we need to prepare for prom, how much work will I miss over these next three months? ...

oh yeah I was supposed to be writing about college apps. Let's see JD got accepted into... this is a total recap if you've been following: Rutgers, FSU, Howard University, DePaul (partial scholarship) Boston University (more than partial scholarship), Tufts (more than partial)NYU(zip, zilch, nada - ok 6K but pennies compared to the rest), Notre Dame (gave him acceptance and a full ride on his trip out there..uber exciting), and Carnegie Mellon.

Once we got the full-ride to Notre Dame "we got into bidding wars with the rest" - well not really I've always just wanted to have a reason to say that. Well we did call NYU to appeal the award and ask for more dough. It didn't work out the way I planned... they did give us a thousand more dollars though :) JD was crushed. It was really disappointing considering NYU was his first choice. He fell in love with New York last summer on our visit.

Plan B: okay people it's always good to have a plan B... He had an acceptance and a full ride to a school that was in the middle of nowhere, whose theatre program is virtually none existent. Worst case scenario my child is going to Notre Dame(ND). I know that sounds crazy, "worst case scenario." Anyway we had to take a step and evaluate the situation. Back in January he additioned for 5 theatre schools and was accepted into all of them. Out of all the schools we believed Carnegie Mellon to be the best and at the time they were giving him a pretty hefty scholarship,but not quite what we needed. We faxed the school NDs offer and in less than 24 hours they matched it. So the Verdict is CARNEGIE MELLON HE GOES.

Me on the other hand, hum....: I got kind of sentimental when I faxed his decision and the deposit in. Nothing major. I didn't cry. I just thought. Wow, this is official. "What am I going to do with my life?" That seems to be my mantra lately. So far I know... I'm going to finish school, which still excites me. A year and eight months ago I decided to put acting on hold so I could focus on Jordan and get a job that would finance his senior year. The 2 year anniversay is 4 months away. Kidn of scary. I ask myself what does this mean. Getting a paycheck every week has been such a blessing,but in my mind. There has to be more... 4 days ago I decided to start and adventure. I'm calling it a reshaping adventure "Natasha's Reshaping Revolution" I am reshaping my mind, my health and my finances. Best case scenario I will earning six figures by the end of the year, be able to quit my job, travel the world, see my kid without having to save up for months. Worst case scenario I will be able to supplement my income and make a few extra thousand dollars a month. Either way we slice it I think this may help me with my question: "What am I going to do with my life?"

I realized for the last 18 years I have been helping someone realize their goals and dreams, and no matter how hard the struggle of single motherhood has been the results are rewarding. Thats what I am going to do with my life, continue helping people realize their goals and dreams. Its fun. You ought to try it sometime.

Natasha Reshaping Revolution

add my new facebook fan page: Natasha's Reshapign Revolution

**dislosure: please over look typos and silly talk. Its 2 in the morning. I'm just too excited to sleep.