I pledge allegiance to....

What? Who? Huh?

Tonight I was thinking about loyalties and allegiances... and passion. And I asked myself, "Is a lack of loyalty or allegiance a symptom of a lack of passion?" A lack of enthusiasm toward that which one "thinks" they are aligned?  Okay, maybe its late and I am speaking in code. But here goes.

Let's think of ourselves as little countries. When we form an alliance/allegiance with another country it is because we have common interests with that other country. Because we will like the idea of that other country watching our back side when the troops are storming the beach. Or in war the two countries can pool their resources and not fight the war alone.  They ban together to insure the boundaries are not crossed by those who are not in allegiance. 

For example Britian, Russia, and France formed an allegiance in World War I. Now when Germany invaded France on French soil.  Russia backed them.  The Russian troops came in and tried to help defend France on french soil since they had agreed to be allies. I can only imagine if Russia would have said to France, "Oh, wow this is your beef. You can handle it. We will just hang out over here while you handle that. We may loose some troops in battle. Not gonna interfere." That wouldn't have been cool considering they were allies. And, let's just say Russia did decide not to fight along France would they have, then, been considered a German ally? Either you are in loyal allegiance or you are not. There is no in between.

Needless to say.  You are either an ally or your not, when you look at it in these terms. We all know Switzerland is Neutral.  They have declared that.  So there is no way they can have allegiance/loyalty to anyone but themselves. I am sure being neutral serves us all in some way. We should all stop to consider the allegiances we make.  Some will serve us. Some harm us. In being neutral we will never be able to fully experience that allegiance that could have served us.

In my annoyance of loyalty, allegiance and passion, tonight....after pulling out my two cents and a soap box, I had to also pull out my mirror.  I looked in it  and ask myself "Am I too a human Switzerland?" Is this why the lack of it in others annoys me? Maybe loyalty is just overrated.


Check out these definitions.  Being neutral is the absence of loyalty and allegiance. 

loy·al·ty  (loil-t)

n. pl. loy·al·ties

1. The state or quality of being loyal. See Synonyms at fidelity.

2. A feeling or attitude of devoted attachment and affection. Often used in the plural: My loyalties lie with my family.

 

al•le•giance (əˈli dʒəns)

n.

1. the loyalty of citizens to their government.

2. loyalty or devotion to some person, group, cause, or the like. 

 

 

neu·tral  (ntrl, ny-)

adj.

1. Not aligned with, supporting, or favoring either side in a war, dispute, or contest.

2. Belonging to neither side in a controversy: on neutral ground.

3. Belonging to neither kind; not one thing or the other.

4. Sexless; neuter.

5. Chemistry

a. Of or relating to a solution or compound that is neither acidic nor alkaline.

b. Of or relating to a compound that does not ionize in solution.

6. Physics

a. Of or relating to a particle, an object, or a system that has neither positive nor negative electric charge.

b. Of or relating to a particle, object, or system that has a net electric charge of zero.

7. Of or indicating a color, such as gray, black, or white, that lacks hue; achromatic.

8. Linguistics Pronounced with the tongue in a middle position, neither high nor low, as the a in around.

n.

1.

a. A nation nonaligned with either side in a war.

b. A citizen of such a nation.

2. One who takes no side in a controversy: "I am by disposition one of life's neutrals, a human Switzerland" (John Gregory Dunne).

3. A neutral hue.

4. A position in which a set of gears is disengaged so that power cannot be transmitted.

 

 

Theater Review - Lady Patriot - written and Directed by Ted Lange - reviewed by Natasha Dixon

What happens when you mix amazing acting, with amazing writing on a backdrop of American History? You get Lady Patriot, a historical play set in the 1860’s, during a time of American distress. This production takes on the task of entertaining while educating and succeeds.

I saw the world premiere of Lady Patriot opening weekend at The Hudson Theater, 6539 Santa Monica Blvd, Los Angeles, CA. This brilliant play is about a free slave who steps back into slavery and doubles as a secret agent for the Union army during the Civil War.

“The History of black slaves during the Civil War in America is generally underground and relatively obscure. A history teacher once told me that history is written by victors. Lady Patriot, based on historical fact, is one of history’s untold stories.” Ted Lange (Playwright, Director)

During the show I pretty much enjoyed the performances of all the cast, which is rare for me.  There always seems to be a weak link, even in casts of amazing actors, but with Lady Patriot this was not the case. This ensemble was cast perfectly and operated like a well oiled machine, keeping me on the edge of my seat. The cast included:  Gordon Goodman (Jefferson Davis), Anne Johstonbrowne (Varina Davis), Ted Lange (Old Robert), Paul Messinger (Judah P. Benjamin), Chrystee Pharris (Mary Bowser), Robert Pine (Mr. Sydell), and Connie Ventress (Elizabeth Van Lew). Additional cast: Zuri Alexander (Mary Bowser), Lou Beatty Jr. (Old Robert), and Greg Depetro (Jefferson Davis Understudy). They didn’t pull any punches when casting this play. Their training ranges from bachelors degrees and PhDs to classically trained and series regulars on TV.

Anne’s performance was impressive. You could see her thoughts without her saying a word. Her character was not the most lovable, but she gave you a better understanding of her motives. The multi-dimensions Chrystee brought to the character was a breathe of fresh air. Her character was a spy, yet there was a level of innocence that lured you in. Connie gave a jovial performance never indicating she was a spy. She had great chemistry with her counterparts. Paul’s performance made you have compassion for his character. Gordan humanized Jefferson Davis, that made you look at history from a different perspective. Although he had a smaller role, Robert’s performance packed a powerful punch. Ted Lange (Playwright, Director) stepped in as Old Robert. The relationship he had with each character was so distinct you never knew what to expect. His acting was just as impressive as his writing.

What was impressive about the writing was that the characters were not one dimensional. There was nothing black and white about any of these characters.  They were shades of grey allowing the audience to enjoy the play rather than judge the characters. Ted blended historical facts in such a personal way I wasn’t sitting in the audience offended by this story of slavery. When you go see the show be prepared to hear the N word. By act one, scene three I lost count of how many times the word was used.  Not just because it was used so many times, but because it was eloquently incorporated into the script.

I thoroughly enjoyed this production of Lady Patriot. I’m sure I will make it out to at least one more show before they close, October 14th. You can see the play Fridays and Saturdays at 8PM and Sundays at 3PM. Tickets can be purchased at http://www.plays411/ladypatriot.com

Toxicity...who are YOU allergic too?

So I am detoxing again, but this time it is a little different than usual. No, I am not posting insanely grotesque pictures of my poo. So if that's what you are looking for you can stop reading now. Usually two to three times a year I do a detox. It is so cleansing and invigorating. Most of you are familiar with all the detox fads. My favorite is the lemonade one. No food. Its a real cleanse. (**this is not a promotion for you to do this yourself - just my experience). I always detox with a spiritual fast as well and I come out of the other side of my detox renewed. My skin is impeccable. I am more at peace. I am overall happier. My body usually tells me when it is too toxic and it's time for a detox.

Some of the warning signs of toxicity are:

• headaches



• fatigue



• weight gain



• aching muscles and joints



• poor concentration/memory



• digestive complaints

Even for those who do not partake in such detox adventures they can usually sense in their bodies when it is time to shut it down. Too much junk food. Too much alcohol. Too much caffeine. Basically just too much of anything can cause a flare up. One area of toxicity no one wants to admit is the toxicity of people. Yes I said it. Interestingly enough some things/people have more toxicity than others.

toxicity

1. The degree to which a substance is toxic

Other definitions are: the degree in which something is poisonous or grave harmfulness or deadliness.

PEOPLE CAN BE TOXIC!!

How do you know if a person its toxic you may ask? Well, check the warning signs above. I think they apply here too. Like food I think we can label people. Too much of anything can kill you; whether it be chugging alcohol or chugging water. The goal is to know the toxic level of all things in your life. In order to do that you must be in tune with yourself. Not just going through the motions like most people do. We never want to admit when things are toxic especially people. But EVERYTHING has its toxicity level. For instance a person may only become toxic to us under certain circumstances.

Like bleach using a few drops to clean the bacteria out of the sink has a much lower toxicity than boiling it on the stove or drinking a full glass. There are some people you must relegate to taking in small doses. You may find they are "gravely harmful" in a much larger doses. There are those you may only be able to take in single drops while others you can drink like a tall glass of water. Identifying these levels may take some time or trial and error. You may have to completely remove the person only to add them back into the mix in small doses to test out their toxicity. Allergist do it all the time. They put you on a strict diet only to add certain foods back in one at a time. Doing this lets you know what you are and are not allergic too. People I know who have eczema do it. They know that having an occasional piece of cake may give them a little itch, but eating a slue of desserts over an entire weekend will cause a major flare up.

What must also be taken in to consideration is the combination of certain people. For instance it may be toxic to get your best friend and your sister in the same room for a long period of time. In that situation you know having a light tea with the both of them would be better than all day at the spa. That could possibly be "deadly".

I think discovery toxicity levels is much more valuable than throwing the baby out with the bath water. Which some of us may still have to do at times in our lives. Like throwing over heavy cargo when the ship is sinking. Not that I am totally equating people to heavy cargo. Just some people may weigh you down so much you will sink with them. But I find that to only be a tactic done in extreme circumstances.

When doing your toxicity inventory it is important do take responsibility and also inventory your own actions that have toxicity. This may be the most difficult labeling of all. No one really ever likes to look in the mirror, but this area can't be ignored.

DETOXING IS NEVER EASY. There are also symptoms that come along with detoxing. Headaches, nausea, acne, bad breathe, fatigue, etc. Very similar to the signs of knowing you must detox. When you are detoxing from people or bad habits you will most likely have similar symptoms: anger, digestive challenges, mood swings, depression - the list goes on. Though the difference with these symptoms is that they are short lived. However, you will get through them if you stay focused. And when you do the results are priceless.

Needless to say I am detoxing again, but this time it is more of an inventory of the toxicity of things/people in my life.

Ride the bull until it's time to fight!

Life can be either a bull fight or a bull ride depending on who you are. I think most people think of it as a bull fight. They look it in the face and try to earnestly duck and dodge to not get hurt. They toy with it and tease it; chasing the all time adrenaline rush, dodging danger just in the nick of time. Daily life should be a ride not a fight. Fighting it is nerve racking to most and.... a completely out of control method.

Since "My name is Natasha and I am a control freak" I like to ride the bull. I must say I am bias and believe this is the best way to go through life. Riding it. Enjoying the journey - not fighting your every move. However, It also gives the control freak in me a sense of satisfaction. The bull has a mind of its own. Like life, it will take you somewhere whether you control it or not. Though, I must say I like thinking the spurs of my boots and my grip on the rope around life's neck gives me a sense of control. Its exilerating! The possibilities excite you. The opportunities are endless. You can feel the wind beneath your dreams and the passion on fire inside you, until it gives you a real good buck and you are flat on your butt facing life head on. This is when you are supposed to fight. At that very moment its the best of both worlds. Riding the bull to fighting the bull in an instance. This is where you fight your way to the next level of growth. You are staring the bull square in the face. It is intent on trampling you. You can almost feel the hot mist from its notrils. Life cannot get the best of you. You cannot afford to be afraid.

Only then do you fight the good fight. And enjoy EVERY minute of it - WITHOUT FEAR. Fear will hold you back. It is the killer of possibilities. It strangles opportunities. It will paralyze the very move that will take you to the freedom you DESERVE. Fear will suffocate you and suck the air out of your dreams. Fear will keep you living a mediocre life. Fear will douse water on your passions; putting out any flame that will bring you happiness. Do not turn your back on fear to ignore it, because it will trample your desires and ultimately kill your soul. No matter how scary life looks or how beat down you are, there is still more fight in you. Fight for your life. Look life square in the eye. Put the spurs on your boots and grab your rope. It's time to take a ride.

Ride the bull until it is time to fight!

Produced By Faith Book Review

Produced By Faith: Enjoying Real Success Without Losing Your True Self

Click here to order via Amazon

By DeVon Franklin

Format: Hardcover, 288 pages

ISBN-10: 1439171033

ISBN-13: 9781439171035

On Sale: May 3, 2011

Publisher: Howard Books/An Imprint of Simon & Schuster

Reviewed by Natasha Dixon

Very rarely does a book come along that can truly help give you direction for your life. The last book I read that seemed to do this was The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale. Today I can add another book to the list of such greats. Produced By Faith: Enjoying Real Success Without Losing Your True Self by DeVon Franklin (Producer of Karate Kid, Pursuit of Happiness, Not Easily Broken, and Jump the Broom) is a guide for living your life fully without compartmentalizing or compromising any aspect of yourself.

Produced By Faith parallels the steps of producing a film with the reader’s life. It is divided into two sections, development and production. At first glance the table of contents seems impersonal: What’s the Big Idea, Selling It, Writing the Script, Getting Notes, Development Hell, God’s Budget and Production Schedule, It’s All About Casting, and God’s Green Light. However, these chapters do more than just tell you what goes into producing a movie. They guide you through the most important production you will ever be involved in, your life.

Produced By Faith is a very personal book that encourages the reader to review how they have been doing life. It gives practical steps to help you through the process. At the end of each chapter there is a list of questions that everyone should ask themselves at some point in their career; Making this more than just another stagnant book that goes on the shelf after its read. It has somewhat of a workbook or reference book quality, with a very conversational style. There is also a transparent quality to this book, because of the personal accounts of Mr. Franklin’s experience that have been weaved throughout. He gives insight into his journey from intern to Vice President at Sony Pictures.

This book comes from a faith based perspective, but it is also a practical guide for those who may not be believers; going as far as to say it is a good beginner’s manual for someone interested in producing alone. This is a book that should be handed out at airports, train stations, and bus stations to every bright eyed and bushy tailed artist coming to make it in Hollywood. At the same time it is a great read everyone, in any line of work, can enjoy and implement. When you finish reading this book you will have a renewed faith; faith in God, faith in yourself, and faith in the unlimited possibilities for your life.

Meet the Author:

Are all creative minds created equally?

I am getting my creative itch once again. It lay dormant for two years. Which anyone who knows me, they know that is a rarity in my world. Actually, it didn't lay dormant. I suppressed it for two years. The wheels of my mind are always turning. Actually, more like spinning out of control. It is constantly creating new ideas. I can't keep up with it and in most cases it creates so fast I am paralyzed by not knowing where to start.

My dad always tells me "How do you eat and elephant? One bite at a time." I know we've all heard that at some point in our lives. I've taken that advice, and on many occasions it works. But it would be better if I could clone myself or days were actually 36 hours long rather than 24 hours, but that would be defying creation. I know, it was perfectly made and by no means am I saying God made a mistake. But I have to ask God, "What the heck did you do when you created my brain?" Not that its inferior or I'm not proud of it. "Just how do you expect me to manage the seeds that you so eloquently planted in my head?" There are so many! Cause at this point I have SOOOO many seeds but no harvest. Or a couple of the seeds have harvested in a field that only I can see...no fun.


I was talking to a friend the other day and I had the audacity to say, "Well, you know what they say, the grave yard is the richest place in the world. So many people take brilliant ideas with them to the grave because they never stepped out of their comfort zones." As those words came out of my mouth I was totally convicted. I have two film scripts, a sitcom pilot, a treatment for a reality TV show and a short film script WRITTEN and waiting to be shot or sold, and about five more scripts in my head that I haven't penned yet. I have a children's book I have written that needs illustration. A blog that is being neglected. A radio show idea waiting to find time to creep into my schedule. A coffee table book that is halfway finished (waiting for me to finish the photography section) and probably about 4 more book ideas in my head that are just sitting there. Actually this week I was encouraged to finish one of my book proposals (progress :)). Not to mention my one women show that is about 75% finished. Two pieces of artwork I've painted that need framing. And two business ideas that are just waiting for the business plan to be written. I'm sure I have missed something. The crazy thing about this, is that list is the list of things I have actually decided to do. I'm not mentioning the many other half-baked ideas that I may not ever get to in my lifetime. I get tired just thinking about all of them. If I were to die today. The grave yard would once again increase its value.

No, seriously. I will soon be starting my creative journey once again,but this time I must have a concise plan. Or I will keep juggling all these ideas, for what, just to say I can juggle? ppff..that's nothing. Juggling is not doing. Thinking is not doing. Doing is doing, and I know God's gonna do God...but I have to do my part too. Shoot even the fishermen had to cast their nets to be blessed with an abundance of fish. I guess I just have to determine which side of the boat I will cast my net first. Instead of dragging the net through the sea in a speed boat...the net will break and I will have NO fish. ...or casting so many nets they get tangled and all the fish get away...or...okay you get the point. I WILL conquer the underachieved overachiever syndrome.

The way my brain works, it doesn't just create things for me. When people talk to me, my mind spins out of control with ideas for THEM too. Oh my!!! wheeew... So I ask what am I to do? One bite at a time, right? Of course! I need a manager. Someone to manage my crazy ideas and get me focused on the straight and narrow. Or maybe I need to sit down and do a business plan for my life. Aaa haa!! That sounds like a good idea with projections and plans and schedules and budgets - I already have budgets...eeerrgghh!! see I'm doing it again. Creating something more for me to do. My mind is like Tetris constantly moving, creating, running, flying, soaring, thinking, ticking, conforming, transforming, arranging, and re-arranging pieces of the puzzle of my life. Oh me oh my!! I must tame this dragon. I am determined to get this creative monster by the horns and ride it off into the sunset of completion.

A Letter of Love

Adonai T'suri v'go'afi, my love for you exceeds my wildest dreams. The mere presence of you takes the breath you give me away. Overwhelmed by your presence I will never be able to put the magnitude of my love in words. I thank you for loving me. I thank you for giving me rest that restores my soul. Adonai Ro'i you came for me when I didn't feel I deserved you, and you wrapped me in your love so tight the warmth filled my soul satisfying the chill of loneliness as if it were a heated blanket on a snow filled day. I cherish every moment I spend with you. Elohei Ma'uzzi, our relationship has grown to new heights I now know what true love is and what it feels like to know someone has my back, front and all sides. I am the luckiest woman alive. No other will ever be able to compare to what you have shown me. You lead me, you lift me when I'm down, you encourage me and protect me. You shield me, hold me when I'm hurt and cherish my mere existence. Your love gives me goose bumps. You complete me. There is no me without you. Peleh yo'etz, I could have never made it without you. I honor and cherish you. I love you and thank you for loving me. Adoni, I never knew I could love you like this.

Pray THE prayer

Are you bold enough to want what God wants or feel what he feels; to seek him with earnest, to pray a prayer and be okay with the outcome. We all have asked ourselves what is my purpose? What is it that God wants for MY life? But are we bold enough to go where we are called to go even if we don't want to go there? I ask myself these questions time and time again. Years ago I started praying "THE prayer" (as my friends know it) in full faith and trust in God to help a sista out. I was having a string of bad relationships.

I had made bad choice after bad choice in men and really wanted to change the pattern. I think this prayer came from a lack of trust in my choices, rather than a full commitment of faith to God. I was desperate. Hey, some of our most profound prayers come out of desperation. Back then when I was "dating" I would pray THE prayer "God, remove this person from my life if they are not supposed to be in it." I prayed this because I knew men were my weakness - like kryptonite. Amazingly, I would pray THE prayer, something would happen and bam,he would just disappear...Really, you think I'm playing. No sign of dissention and I'd pray and bam, poof, whatever...he would just be gone...stop calling...MIA. I would have ignored all the tell-tell signs. Kind of like Pee Wee on the winding road in Pee Wee's Big Adventure, just marching to my own tune to only find myself heart broken in the end; A heartache that could have been avoided.

It has been years since those days and now that I am "putting myself back on the market" (I laugh out loud every time I say that). I have dusted off that old prayer. It is scary in a sense. The scary part is praying THE prayer when everything is seemly ok. Are we willing to walk in God's Will for our lives? Continuously calling on him, not just when it is obvious we are out of alignment. I am reading a book right now, Choosing God's Best - amazing book by the way, and the focus is not just choosing someone who is good, but choosing God's absolute best for our lives. So in my well counseled, mature, grounded life praying THE prayer reminds me to seek God earnestly. Praying THE prayer was great in the beginning as an immature Christian or someone just starting out on their faith frontier, but I have analyzed my thoughts and realized as I have matured in my choices now may be a good time to mature in my prayer life as well.

The new prayer scares me more than the last. "God give me the wisdom to discern who I should allow in my life." Woo just typing that gives me chills. The old prayer, leaving it up to "chance" (well we all know its not chance) and letting God do his miraculous thing puts me more at ease, but growth is about stretching out of your comfort zone and into a NEW faith frontier.

Pray the THE prayer, " God remove this person from my life if they are not supposed to be in it." And/or "God give me the wisdom to discern who I should allow in my life." These prayers are not magic. They should be a reminder to seek first the kingdom...And THAT relationship is what answers life's questions and truly breeds wisdom and discernment...and helps eliminate a whole heck of alot of heartache in the process.

Thanksgiving is in the air....

Thanksgiving is in my tummy. Or at least that's what I was thinking before my moment of profound reflection. I have so much to be thankful for; starting with the air in my lungs, my health, my job, the best boss ever, my family and friends (old and new), my son, my new apartment, my resources to make it all happen, peace of mind and God's unexplainable joy, my sanity, my opportunities, what is and is to come, the obstacle I have over come and the ones I will over come, my renewed hope and unyielding faith.....

Over the last two years I have tried to take time out to be thankful everyday for something. It really brings your life back into perspective. Starting today be thankful for something everyday. Ask yourself a simple question at the end of your day "How was I blessed today? " or "What am I thankful for today?" can be the beginning of finding more joy in your life. Some days with a stank attitude my answer would be. "I am thankful for the eye sight to see this bill." or "I am thankful I have a car that can breakdown." or " I am thankful my tear ducts work. So that I can cry." Once I started that process I began to really find more things to be thankful for, and I found joy in the midst of the chaos. And now as I write this blog I am thankful for too many things to list here. Challenge yourself to be thankful everyday, and not just on Thanksgiving....

I am thankful for the ability to still be silly and young at heart...

We laughed so hard trying to take this picture and it felt sooooo good. I am thankful that I can laugh until my stomach aches.

Don't Miss the Road While on the Ride.

I waited so long before this post because I thought I was waiting for some epiphany or something so profound to pop in my mind that I would be compelled to check in with my blog. Obviously that didn't happen. The something profound part happened. Actually several profound moments have happened since I last wrote, but the "being" compelled part; didn't quite catch up with me.

I will tackle this backwards since most of you know Jordan is gone. Out of sight, but by far not out of mind. It actually took a week for my mind to catch up with itself, and honestly I don't think it is quite there yet. The last several months have been a whirlwind of bliss.

Immediately following Jordan's San Jose going away party we went to Costa Rica. Just the two of us. It was nice. We took in the country with the perfect amount of adventure and relaxation. From zip lining through the rain forest to swimming along a tree lined coast. There was even a day we went to sleep about 7pm only to stay up flipping between movies with and without subtitles. I was so determined to get him out of the country before he started to college and after careful consideration we landed in Costa Rica, the "Rich Coast". We learned about living fences, rice is a major crop, Hyundai is the most popular car, and in one day you can watch the sunrise on one coast and the sunset on the other. We stayed in an amazing hotel that made us feel as though we were palace heirs. I swear it seemed we were the only guests. We had a blast.

I really mastered being present over these last couple of months, determined to take in every moment with Jordan. For so long when he was younger my mind would take a ride of its own and miss the road in front of it. My dad and I talked about this the other day. You know when you can drive all the way home and have no idea how you got there. You can't recall the road that was in front of you. Most of the time this can happens when on a cell phone (with headset of of course- for my California folks). My main objective was to not miss the road in front of me. The pace of Costa Rica helped usher me into achievement.

When we got home it was only 3 weeks until D-Day. It seems as though it took forever for my child to pack. I tried to play the perfect balance of guiding and letting him make his own decisions. It only drove me partially crazy.

The weekend I dropped him of at school was very surreal. We drove around the campus just exploring. We were both dog tired from the red eye. I usually fall asleep immediately on flights, but not this time. I think I may have been too excited. We had breakfast at Pamela's then made it back to the hotel and crashed for 4 hours, only to get up and go eat at Primanti Bros. for dinner. I was stuffed. The next day, since we bought NOTHING at home, we shopped shopped and shopped some more for all the nick knacks and do dads you need for your college dorm. We spent hours. It was so much fun and thank God Target and Bed Bath and Beyond were within a block of each other, especially when he...OK we decided the trash can at BB&B was better then the one from target and it was half the cost. That was so funny. One of the major highlights of the day was dinner. He met up with a few friends he met on Facebook and then along came parents. Joe Mama's was the perfect place for dinner and it was probably a good thing they put us in the basement. The kids we louder then loud. I guess that happens when you get a bunch of actors together. They were on one side of a long table getting acquainted in the most animated way as the parents had therapy over pasta and pizza at the other end. It was such a great experience. Around 9:30 the kids left to explore the campus while the parents stayed and talked speculating what tomorrow will be like. We kept saying we had to leave. We inched our way to the main floor, we stood there talking , finally we inched our way outside and continued our conversations. We were so happy to find others who were experiencing exactly the same thing at the same time. Almost like a security blanket of new friends. Jordan met me back at the hotel and we got in the car to go pick up my dad. I had reinforcements flying in.

The big day. I woke up with butterflies in my stomach not knowing what to expect. I kept wondering when the bomb would drop and tears would come flooding out of my face. I swallowed the lump in my throat. We took our time getting dressed and skipped breakfast because we started a little behind schedule. It was as if every movement was in slow motion. We drove 2 min to the campus and followed the signs that ushered the many cars into the appropriate line that led to the appropriate dorm. I student in a red shirt pointed us in the direction where we were to park. "Stop at the balloons" along the curb in front of the dorm while we unloaded the car the student helpers took the items faster than we could put them down. Jordan walked across the way to grab his id/room key I followed him and my dad stayed with the car. It all happened so fast. The next thing I know I was standing at the car, no Jordan, no bags, no boxes and my reinforcement had been whisked away to help load the dorm room. I barely heard the man give me directions to the parking lot.

As I drove to the lot and made my way back to the dorm I was alone and it was quite. "This is it" I thought to myself. Wow! By the time I got back to the dorm they were heading out. Jordan took me in for a quick look through, because we had to go the the student union for orientation packets, the boxes we had shipped and maybe food. My brain raced one hundred miles an hour. Does he have enough stuff? Did we remember this, did we remember that? Did I put enough money in his spending account? At this point my father begins to tell me I need to eat. I think he saw me swaying like I had vertigo. He was my voice of reason for the day. Making sure I kept my head on straight. Every where we went someone was saying "Are you Jordan?" Facebook, boy! The Theatre school orientation calmed my mind. He is going to be well taken care of.

We made another Target/BB&B run and stopped for dinner, before the drop. I can't even remember the place we ate, but it was good and we had a great dinner. The three of us reflected about the day and expressed our excitement about the future. I went to the restroom and just stood there looking at myself in the mirror. "This is it, wow" I just took a moment to take it all in. It also gave my dad some time to have a man to man talk.

Its about 6:30. The campus has calmed down from earlier the balloons are beginning to deflate and the street is quiet. I only see two families saying their good-byes. The mothers' faces are red and tears are streaming. I step out and have my dad snap a photo or two. He then steps back and sits in the car. Jordan and I stand there looking at each other, smiling. "This is it". I hug him a couple more times, just to take in the moment. And before I can give him my speech I rehearsed multiple times in my head he speaks. "Mother I challenge you to find yourself without me. This is a time when the lives of parents and kids are parallel. We each are setting out to find ourselves. This is good." All I good say is "You are absolutely right, I will. I want you to know I love you. No matter what mistakes you make, because you will make some. And you know how much I love you, but God loves you tenfold, beyond what you can ever imagine... Okay" dad says his good bye and Jordan asks a man to take a photo of us in front of his door with none other then his Polaroid camera. And that WAS it.

Looking my future in the face.

It feels as though I am on the outside looking in. For years my thoughts have been overwhelmed with the future. For the first time ever I feel as though I am meeting my future; right here- right now I feel as though I am looking my future square in the face. It is such a challenge to describe because it is no longer the future it is the present. For the life of me I cannot focus on anything but the here and now. My mind tries to make plans, but is stopped in its tracks to take in these moments. These very moments people often wish they could get back, I am cherishing with every fiber of my being. In just a few short weeks JD is off to college. Many people ask me How am I feeling or am I going to cry? All I can think about it what I feel this very moment...Utter Joy.... Presence is priceless.

Jordan's Party Pics

Remodeling the nest - T-minus 54 days

I used to watch birds fly outside my window with grass and twigs in their beaks. I true sign of nesting. They were ready to hatch those eggs and make a nice cozy home for their little offspring.

I am watching my friends and co-workers go through the same thing. They are dating, getting married, getting pregnant..nesting. Interestingly enough I feel like I'm nesting, but I am clearly doing the opposite. We have t-minus 54 days until JD leaves the nest. I think I'm cool. Every book and anyone who I talk to is under the impression I'm not supposed to be okay. Very interesting. Everyone looks at me weird or like they are sad for me. That look really isn't cute. I am so excited, for both of us. Not to say I may not have a breakdown or two,but I'm excited.

I am learning to let go, to let him make decisions on his own, to not nag too much.

Last week I flew to Kansas City at the last minute because Jordan and Sam had made it to the finals. Most of my facebook family knows that I was in 4 states in 24 hours, JD and Sam are 4th in the nation in Duo, (they are 20 minutes in) and I couldn't be more proud. Also in the midst of this crazy whirlwind we missed his episode of Pretty Little Liars. You can catch him in minute 28. :)

One thing for sure it seems like I am trying to fit EVERYTHING in before he leaves. These next 54 days are going to fly by. We drive up the coast to San Jose on the 4th of July because that is the only weekend in the next 8 weekends we can make it so my parents can give him a going away party. So I figured we would drive up the coast.

Then two weeks later we have our family reunion in Las Vegas. Then we are going to Costa Rica. Two weeks after that we are off to Pittsburgh.

Unbelievable

Taking in every moment.

A roller coaster ride of a weekend.

As the time approaches us quickly for moments to absorb they pass us too fast like a thief in the night or better yet a freight train without breaks . For months graduation was quickly apporaching, at times it seemed as though it couldn't get here fast enough.

This weekend the train left the staion full speed ahead. In the midst of the planning and being slightly overwhelmed I almost let it zip by, but instead I grabbed on to that train and held on tight with my eyes wide open.

This weekend I was a nervous wreck. I couldnt think straight. I was forgetting things. My emotions are flying inside me like the biggest and fastest roller coaster at six flags. You know the one you anticipate riding and then almost change your mind when you are waiting in line? But you tough it out and hop on only to be whipped around up and down back and forth all while lauging and screaming at the top of your lungs. Well , I think that is where I am. Excitement beats out the fear, laughter holds back the tears and when it comes to a hault you are so exhilerated you are sad it is over. You get of that ride searching for the next.

Well the ride is over. The graduation came and went. However we did not leave the theme park yet...NEXT!!

A surprise that made me cry tears of joy and relief....

Nearly two years ago my son had a photo displayed at the Museum of Tolerance here in Los Angeles. When the exhibit was over they displayed it in his school. Just last year he had one displayed at the Japanese Museum downtown. The center of the picture was the most beautiful cherry blossom tree. We framed that one and gave it to my parents for Christmas. It is absolutely beautiful. He's an amazing artist.

Well today I come home and his very first photo is there with a belated Mothers Day card. It said "Happy Mothers Day" (on the out side) "from someone who thinks your doing an amazing job" (on the inside). I was choked up just reading that. I'm thinking great he noticed. Then I proceeded to read the long sentimental dissertation inside. It was as if I was outside of my body witnessing every lesson I instilled in him unfold through the words right in front of my eyes. In his own words he expressed the answers to my greatest questions "Did anything I do or say sink in and what does my kid think of me?"

And I sobbed tears of joy and relief. I will forever remember this moment. I'm sure he will too. The day his mother cried all over his shirt.

I am so proud. Parents nothing we do for our kids is in vain.

Nostalgic Moments

So much is spinning and swirling inside of my mind. Not sure if there is anyone out there who may understand when you have several emotions that make up one emotion that you can't necessarily pinpoint the exact emotion. That's were I am. Jordan has nine more days left of school. That's great. Graduation is two weekends away. He turns eighteen next Saturday. I remember when I turned 18 and it just seemed like I instantly became an adult. Does anyone have any advice on how to be a parent to an 18 year old. :) Even though I have been lost in my thoughts I am still trying to take in the moments.

Yesterday we were up until 2:30 watching aVeronica Mars marathon. I know that show is random, but we were taking in the moment. Dang that show was good. I never even thought twice about it when it was on. We laughed together. About 3 episodes in I heard myself and realized I had been asking him a question about the show every 5 mins. It was funny. Surprisingly he wasn't telling me to stop talking like usual.

Last weekend I came home from doing his graduation invitations and I was talking to him and he said "stop being nostalgic." The interesting thing about that statement was that I wasn't talking about anything in particular he said it was the way I was looking at him. I just laughed and tried to play it off like I wasn't. Let's just say the kid was reading the subtext. So crazy every time I would coach him before an audition I would say "what are your thoughts behind the words." He was definitely in my thoughts behind my words.

Jordan has been petitioned by an advisor at school to exhibit a piece of art work. I know what doen't this kid do. Well, Saturday I come out of the room to a very nostalgic moment and I recorded it.

IT"S BEEN THREE WEEKS SINCE MY LAST CONFESSION...

I went and saw one of my best friends tonight (and her daughter) who I hadn't seen (valley girl voice) "in like forever." It was so refreshing. While at dinner she said "I haven't read you blog lately" I said "Girlllll, its because I havent posted anything." (or something like that, hee, hee). Here's to you Jill:

Its has been so long. I don't know where to start. How about where we left off. College apps?

Well the last 3 weeks have been insane. It found myself being anxious about JD's decision, who would offer him what, who would accept him, where would he decide to go, will he be happy about his decision, how much is it going to cost me, I need to plan his graduation, oh, we need to prepare for prom, how much work will I miss over these next three months? ...

oh yeah I was supposed to be writing about college apps. Let's see JD got accepted into... this is a total recap if you've been following: Rutgers, FSU, Howard University, DePaul (partial scholarship) Boston University (more than partial scholarship), Tufts (more than partial)NYU(zip, zilch, nada - ok 6K but pennies compared to the rest), Notre Dame (gave him acceptance and a full ride on his trip out there..uber exciting), and Carnegie Mellon.

Once we got the full-ride to Notre Dame "we got into bidding wars with the rest" - well not really I've always just wanted to have a reason to say that. Well we did call NYU to appeal the award and ask for more dough. It didn't work out the way I planned... they did give us a thousand more dollars though :) JD was crushed. It was really disappointing considering NYU was his first choice. He fell in love with New York last summer on our visit.

Plan B: okay people it's always good to have a plan B... He had an acceptance and a full ride to a school that was in the middle of nowhere, whose theatre program is virtually none existent. Worst case scenario my child is going to Notre Dame(ND). I know that sounds crazy, "worst case scenario." Anyway we had to take a step and evaluate the situation. Back in January he additioned for 5 theatre schools and was accepted into all of them. Out of all the schools we believed Carnegie Mellon to be the best and at the time they were giving him a pretty hefty scholarship,but not quite what we needed. We faxed the school NDs offer and in less than 24 hours they matched it. So the Verdict is CARNEGIE MELLON HE GOES.

Me on the other hand, hum....: I got kind of sentimental when I faxed his decision and the deposit in. Nothing major. I didn't cry. I just thought. Wow, this is official. "What am I going to do with my life?" That seems to be my mantra lately. So far I know... I'm going to finish school, which still excites me. A year and eight months ago I decided to put acting on hold so I could focus on Jordan and get a job that would finance his senior year. The 2 year anniversay is 4 months away. Kidn of scary. I ask myself what does this mean. Getting a paycheck every week has been such a blessing,but in my mind. There has to be more... 4 days ago I decided to start and adventure. I'm calling it a reshaping adventure "Natasha's Reshaping Revolution" I am reshaping my mind, my health and my finances. Best case scenario I will earning six figures by the end of the year, be able to quit my job, travel the world, see my kid without having to save up for months. Worst case scenario I will be able to supplement my income and make a few extra thousand dollars a month. Either way we slice it I think this may help me with my question: "What am I going to do with my life?"

I realized for the last 18 years I have been helping someone realize their goals and dreams, and no matter how hard the struggle of single motherhood has been the results are rewarding. Thats what I am going to do with my life, continue helping people realize their goals and dreams. Its fun. You ought to try it sometime.

Natasha Reshaping Revolution

add my new facebook fan page: Natasha's Reshapign Revolution

**dislosure: please over look typos and silly talk. Its 2 in the morning. I'm just too excited to sleep.

More letters from colleges

Tonight my sister and kidney twin came over and my roommate was home. Checkout the video of Jordan opening his letters from De Paul University in Chicago and Howard University in D.C.



(My brother brought this to my attention, in his words: "If you're at work, stay close to your volume. Hint: there's ALOT of screaming")

This weekend will be interesting. JD is off to Notre Dame. I'm so excited for him. It will be a good chance for me to imagine what it's like when he's off to college. Not like I haven't done that before. Last summer he went to Colorado for 10 days. That was an experience for both of us. When he was younger he used to go to my parents for the entire summer, spring break and Christmas break. The only difference was that he was coming home. I think maybe one of my fears is that he will go away and not want to come home. I know that's silly. Or is it? It will be what it will be. God has blessed me with the honor of raising an amazing young man. I remember when he was younger I asked him "Do you belong to me?" and he said "No God's just letting you babysit." Well my babysitting duties are coming to an end. It's not like I'm being fired. I will be changing positions; More like guidance counselor, friend, and I will always be mom or "mother".

Kansas City Here We Come!!

Today was a long day full of emotions. I just got home from JD's depate tournament. Absolutely amazing. He and Sam shut it down. I was coming home to blog about it when I received the email below from my sister. I did one read through and thought. "That's exactly what I want to say...and then some." Enjoy the video. You will see photos at the end of the blog. Happy reading.




---------------------------------------
Guest Blogger: Orianna Griffin

Jordan did it again!!!!!!! On Saturday, March 13 Jordan qualified for the National debate competition in Kansas City, Missouri!!!!!!!! The qualifying tournament was held at San Marino High School in San Marino (town next to Pasadena).

The 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place winners in each category earned a trip to Nationals.

Jordan earned 1st place in the Humorous Interpretive category!!!!!! Jordan's debate teammate Sam earned 2nd place in the Dramatic Interpretive category. . .And, Jordan and Sam earned 2nd place in the Duo category. That means they qualified in three categories...H.I., D.I., and Duo. Unfortunately, Nationals does not let you compete in two categories so Jordan gave up his spot in H.I and Sam gave up his spot in D.I, and they will be competing in the Duo category in Kansas City.

The National Forensics League's National Competition will be held Sunday, June 13 - Friday, June 18 http://debatekc2010.org Thomas, Tasha, and I plan to take a redeye out of L.A. on Wednesday, so we can spend all day Thursday and Friday at the competition, then sightsee on Saturday and Sunday. It will be fun. . . wanna come?

Did you know Kansas City was home to more outdoor water fountains than any other city in the U.S.? It began its tradition of fountains for practical reasons: Water was a major factor in the growth of Kansas City. Kansas City was founded in 1821 when Missouri became a state, and from the very beginning, water fountains were a defining feature of the city. The first water fountain was part of a larger plan for the design of Kansas City. It was the stated aspiration of the early city leaders to create a beautiful city whose boulevards would rival Paris and whose outdoor water fountains would rival Rome. http://www.garden-fountains.com/articles/city-of-fountains.html

Also, it's been said that jazz was born in New Orleans, and it grew up in Kansas City. A trip to Kansas City would not be complete without a trip to the American Jazz Museum http://www.americanjazzmuseum.com/

Now, the piece de resistance . . . Kansas City Barbecue!!!!! Kansas City barbecue is characterized by its use of different types of meat (including pulled pork, pork ribs, burnt ends, smoked sausage, beef brisket, beef ribs, smoked/grilled chicken, smoked turkey, and sometimes fish) along with its sweet and tangy sauces which are generally intended for liberal use. Ribs are mostly pork, but also come in beef varieties and can come in a number of different cuts. Burnt ends, the flavorful pieces of meat cut from the ends of a smoked beef or pork brisket, are a popular dish in many Kansas City area barbecue restaurants. Kansas City barbecue is also known for its many side dishes, including a unique style of baked beans, french fries, cole slaw, and other soul food staples. Yum!!! Yum!!! Will it be Gates Barbecue? or Arthur Bryant's? or both?!

http://www.gatesbbq.com/GeneralInformation/Location.aspx

http://www.experiencekc.com/barbeque.html


Okay everybody...let's make it happen!!! Kansas City here we come!


Love,
Ori
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Carnegie Mellon .....check

Just about everyday someone asks me "Have you heard any word yet?" And I have been saying the same blanket answer since December, "Not yet. They will start to send out the letters after March 15th. So I'm thinking we should hear from all of them by the beginning of April." I have that down. I literally say that same response every time.

The time is ticking. I said I was going to stop and enjoy the moment - live in the present while he is here. Which for the most part I have been doing very well, but for the past week I couldn't help myself. I have been a little anxious. "What is my mission in life?" I asked myself. Yes, for those of you who read my first blog I didn't understand the Empty Nesters who asked that question. I can't say I even understand them now, but I did ask myself that question the other day. It's very interesting. I'm not sad or depressed. If I had to choose an emotion I would say I maybe feeling a little pensive and excited as usual, but mostly pensive. If that is really an emotion. "What will my life mean?" I have been saying for so long. "Let me get my son off to school, I'm gonna hang out with my son, we've been so busy with this college stuff." Well right now there's no more college stuff. Just the wait. Admissions Apps are done. Financial aid apps are done. Auditions are done. Now we just wait. And now I think. I actually have time to think.

Just last week I was having a conversation with my sister and my kidney twin, and they told us you want to look for the big envelopes. I had no idea what they were talking about. I thought acceptance or no acceptance it would all come in a letter envelope and then acceptance would follow up with details in a larger envelope. They proceeded to tell me "No you want to get the big envelope." I think I kind of didn't want to know that. Yesterday we got a small letter from Duke and before I saw which department it was from my heart dropped. "Oh my gosh! this must be a rejection letter."(if that's what its even called). Then I realized it was financial aid just telling us some logistical information. I don't know why my heart dropped. He did apply to 15 schools and I can't expect him to get into all of them, but for some strange reason I want him to get accepted to every last one of them. Is that the psycho mother in me?






Interestingly enough his first acceptance from Rutgers came via email. He got a small letter from Notre Dame inviting him to an all expense paid weekend to check out the school (I think that's an acceptance) even though he is not officially accepted yet. And today.....

Carnegie Mellon called to say he was accepted into there theatre department. He auditioned for them a few weeks ago and out of hundreds of kids who auditioned nationwide he was one out of 9 men they accepted into the program. Wow, 3 down 12 to go.

And the winner is...

I should have blogged about this a week ago. Shoulda coulda woulda - sometimes life just gets so crazy and throws you off your routine. Last weekend JD had a debate tournament that he had no intentions of let me go to. I asked did he want moral support and he said "No" Yep that's it. Just "No." So I made plans to catch a movie and relax, but when I got out of church I had a couple of text messages "I picket fenced semi final round...1 1 1" and "Awards start at 2:30 cal state long beach".

For those of you who don't know speech and debate lingo that meas all of his judges gave him the top ranking of a 1. Which the night before he came home pissed off, because two judges gave him a 1 and another judge give him a 7 (meaning he was the worst in that round - according to that judge)

At this stage in the game my plans changed in an instant. I text my sister and brother-in-law and they headed that direction as well. He was feeling really good about the tournament at this point. It's always a hurry up an wait situation. I guess its just preparing him to be on a movie set. We arrived at 2:15 and the awards didn't start until about 4:45. Which is okay, it gave us a little bounding time.







The anticitpation





The runners up


And the winner is....

He qualfied to go to the state competition.

**I promise I'm going to get better quality video soon. :)